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Hostel
Jul 2, 2008 22:01:55 GMT -5
Post by thapunkpred15 on Jul 2, 2008 22:01:55 GMT -5
Ok. I seen Hostel. It has inspired me to write a story. I haven't got to type it lately so I'll put it up now. Im also doing this to prove Orthrus that I do have talent in my writing. Which he believes my writing skills are poor.
*sighs*
My bare feet on cold concrete. The chills in the air hit my face and shirtless body. I pulled my head up and opened my eyes. I examined my surroundings to find myself in some sort of dungeon. There I was binded to a metal chair. It was rusted and very small. It was nailed into the dirty concrete floor. My wrist and ankles were handcuffed. My heart was racing. Blood circulating.
I took another look around. This time I saw the presence of razors, Scissors, Scapels and whatnot on a table that was pushed up against the cracked wall. My first impression of it was death. I didn't cry. After all we all have to die. Mines was just going to be painful and most likely slow.
In a instant a tall caucasian guy walked. He was adorned in a dingy labcoat. He had one of those surgical mask over his mouth covering a portion of his face. He looked down at me. I looked into his dark brown eyes.
"What are you?! Speak! he demanded.
I stared at him."The hell are you talkin' about?" I replied.
He turned away and proceeded towards the table of instruments that were against the wall. He rambled through the tools. He stooped and turned around. The manglared at me with a set of pliers in his hands that he held with his baby blue colored gloves. He came towards me. What is he going to do pull my freakin' teeth out? I had to close my eyes tightly.
"Stop it! Just stop it!" I yelled.
I opened my eyes. He wasn't in front of me anymore. Im wondering where did he go. However I felt heavy metal clasping onto the edge of my black painted nails on my index finger. A sudden pull tore it off. I screamed in pain. The sharp pain pulsated through my right arm. My eyes widen.
My tawny skin started to get sweaty. He had the audasity to throw the nail in my lap. My balck nail camoflouge along with my tight black jeans. I stare at it whining and groanig. My heart beads on the end of of my braids hitting me in the face as I slumped my head over. I can feel a huge trickle of blood flow off my nailbed.
"What the *pauk* are you doing to me?I didn't do sh*t!" I screamed.
Apparently the message didn't et to him no matter how much I pleaded and cried. In a matter of minutes all of my fingernails were ripped off of my hands. All of them bleeding. I felt it. It would sting everytime I felt a cold breeze hit it.
I slouched over in the metal chair looking lifeless. Like a doll. Still alive but in pain. Pregnancy for men.
More to come...
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Hostel
Jul 2, 2008 22:43:55 GMT -5
Post by Adara on Jul 2, 2008 22:43:55 GMT -5
Ok. I seen Hostel. It has inspired me to write a story. I haven't got to type it lately so I'll put it up now. Im also doing this to prove Orthrus that I do have talent in my writing. Which he believes my writing skills are poor. As a writer, I should say that writing is an art form. Not everyone can do it. Those of us who can, are as blessed as people who can make a blank canvas into a masterpiece. So, it's rather...sad, that you would want to write just to prove someone wrong. A writer who's work is good doesn't need to prove anything. Their writing will speak for itself. Just, FYI. Okay, I'll start off with something very logical, probably just a simple mistake on your part. You can't nail a metal chair to a concrete floor. It has to be bolted to it. Also, in your attempt to create some sort of suspense, you ended up making this paragraph into nothing more than facts. This is your opening paragraph and it doesn't flow. This doesn't spur a reader to keep reading. It makes us want to move on.... Not to mention that Your character's blood would circulate regardless of the situation. Unless of course, said character was already dead. (In which case this would be rather moot.) This again, is where you're suppose to bring in human nature, in my opinion. Regardless of whether or not we are all going to die, we humans are wired to be survivors. We don't just assess the situation, come to the conclusion that we're going to die, and accept it. Also, your last sentence should have probably read, "After all, we all had to die, my death was simply going to be far more painful..." It would have built up to the next chapter. Rather than making us completely unsympathetic toward the character who is possibly meeting his death. Other than him being white, tall, and with dark brown eyes, there's nothing else you're telling us. Again, a basic character description. You would think that a character who was being confronted by someone who would more than likely look threatening, would try and assess this individual as much as possible, so if he escaped, he could identify the culprit. Again, your lack of logic and understanding of human nature is showing. Does he have an accent? A lisp? Does he sound angry, frustrated, amused? Demanding doesn't give us much to work with. You're being vague with your dialog. Not a good sign since you're not giving us much character description and characterization to begin with. Again, no emotion, no insight to how the main character feels. This sounds like this villain just asked him to give him a back rub. For someone who again, could die, this isn't logical. Trying to make the character sound cool, only makes him less genuine. Try and separate character thoughts and description by making the thoughts into Italics. It's easier to keep track of them that way. I also find it strange that your main character is not fighting his binds. I'm sorry, but personally, if I was facing death, I'd be fighting them as my life does in fact, depend on it. Again, the character is so..blase in his pleas. I literally yawned when he was talking. There's no urgency, there's...nothing. The paragraph after that reads like a text book as well. It doesn't flow, much like the other paragraphs. This actually reads like a story outline, more than a piece of literary work. You need to spell check and check your grammar before posting. Much of this last bit had absolutely horrible grammatical mistakes. Some could have easily been avoided by a spell check. One or two words misspelled in a vignette of this size is okay. To have it littered with them is unacceptable. Not to mention, it's obvious you didn't study one. bloody. thing. about childbirth. Let me tell you, women have a high threshold of pain. What is painful for us, can be brain override, seriously screwed for some men. (I'm speaking of childbirth, specifically) Broken nails can be painful, but, not as painful as having children. All in all, you need A LOT of work. I cannot say, that you are a good writer. I would have to agree with Orthrus on this. You don't do research, which any good writer worth their salt, would do long before actually posting a story for the public to see.
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Hostel
Jul 2, 2008 23:22:19 GMT -5
Post by thapunkpred15 on Jul 2, 2008 23:22:19 GMT -5
Ok. I seen Hostel. It has inspired me to write a story. I haven't got to type it lately so I'll put it up now. Im also doing this to prove Orthrus that I do have talent in my writing. Which he believes my writing skills are poor. As a writer, I should say that writing is an art form. Not everyone can do it. Those of us who can, are as blessed as people who can make a blank canvas into a masterpiece. So, it's rather...sad, that you would want to write just to prove someone wrong. A writer who's work is good doesn't need to prove anything. Their writing will speak for itself. Just, FYI. Okay, I'll start off with something very logical, probably just a simple mistake on your part. You can't nail a metal chair to a concrete floor. It has to be bolted to it. Also, in your attempt to create some sort of suspense, you ended up making this paragraph into nothing more than facts. This is your opening paragraph and it doesn't flow. This doesn't spur a reader to keep reading. It makes us want to move on.... Not to mention that Your character's blood would circulate regardless of the situation. Unless of course, said character was already dead. (In which case this would be rather moot.) This again, is where you're suppose to bring in human nature, in my opinion. Regardless of whether or not we are all going to die, we humans are wired to be survivors. We don't just assess the situation, come to the conclusion that we're going to die, and accept it. Also, your last sentence should have probably read, "After all, we all had to die, my death was simply going to be far more painful..." It would have built up to the next chapter. Rather than making us completely unsympathetic toward the character who is possibly meeting his death. Other than him being white, tall, and with dark brown eyes, there's nothing else you're telling us. Again, a basic character description. You would think that a character who was being confronted by someone who would more than likely look threatening, would try and assess this individual as much as possible, so if he escaped, he could identify the culprit. Again, your lack of logic and understanding of human nature is showing. Does he have an accent? A lisp? Does he sound angry, frustrated, amused? Demanding doesn't give us much to work with. You're being vague with your dialog. Not a good sign since you're not giving us much character description and characterization to begin with. Again, no emotion, no insight to how the main character feels. This sounds like this villain just asked him to give him a back rub. For someone who again, could die, this isn't logical. Trying to make the character sound cool, only makes him less genuine. Try and separate character thoughts and description by making the thoughts into Italics. It's easier to keep track of them that way. I also find it strange that your main character is not fighting his binds. I'm sorry, but personally, if I was facing death, I'd be fighting them as my life does in fact, depend on it. Again, the character is so..blase in his pleas. I literally yawned when he was talking. There's no urgency, there's...nothing. The paragraph after that reads like a text book as well. It doesn't flow, much like the other paragraphs. This actually reads like a story outline, more than a piece of literary work. You need to spell check and check your grammar before posting. Much of this last bit had absolutely horrible grammatical mistakes. Some could have easily been avoided by a spell check. One or two words misspelled in a vignette of this size is okay. To have it littered with them is unacceptable. Not to mention, it's obvious you didn't study one. bloody. thing. about childbirth. Let me tell you, women have a high threshold of pain. What is painful for us, can be brain override, seriously screwed for some men. (I'm speaking of childbirth, specifically) Broken nails can be painful, but, not as painful as having children. All in all, you need A LOT of work. I cannot say, that you are a good writer. I would have to agree with Orthrus on this. You don't do research, which any good writer worth their salt, would do long before actually posting a story for the public to see. This is a narrative. It filled wih facts sothe reader can know the surroundings and whats around me. The character is biased on his pleas? What else is there to say? Trying to get out of a metal. Trying to resist restraint. Thats impossible. This character is pessitimistic about his chances of survival. After your handcuffed to a fucking chair. Of course its basic character description the fucking hiding in a damn labcoat and mask. Well I wasn't thinking about the word "Bolted" at the time.
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Hostel
Jul 2, 2008 23:33:08 GMT -5
Post by Spooky on Jul 2, 2008 23:33:08 GMT -5
Okay, so your character is pessimestic, and knows he has no chances of escape. So tell us. Tell us that he looks around wherever he may happen to be, sees all of the details (he might be in a cellar, dark, isolated, spiderwebs, etc) and he rests his head in his chair, admitting defeat. It is generally accepted that humans (and any animal for that matter) will try and do something to ensure their survival. Maybe your character shouts and tries moving around in his chair. If he had been through a lot in his life (I'm talking more than abuse) then maybe he would be in such a sorry state that he would accept death. But we don't know that. So tell us. Give some details about your character, about his childhood, major events in his life, his personality, etc. Maybe how he wound up in the situation that he's in.
What you lack is that you don't show the reader. You give information. You need to describe, give us juicy, mouth-watering details that will make it interesting to read. Read up about what you're writing on, and always think with initiative. No matter what you write about, if your work is boring nobody will read it. Unless they have to. Keep writing, see if there are writing workshops where you live, or look up tips on the internet.
I don't know if you care that much about writing, but if you do, that is my advice. Reading (advanced) books is good too, as it helps you to develop ideas and extend your vocabulary.
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Hostel
Jul 2, 2008 23:37:08 GMT -5
Post by E-Stalin [Orthrus] on Jul 2, 2008 23:37:08 GMT -5
Ok. I seen Hostel. It has inspired me to write a story. I haven't got to type it lately so I'll put it up now. Im also doing this to prove Orthrus that I do have talent in my writing. Which he believes my writing skills are poor. Thank you for proving my point. All right Punk, here's what you simply have to understand. There are pretty much just two purposes for a novel. The first and primary purpose, is entertainment. The second, underlying purpose, is to get across a certain ideal, talk about a problem, about some morality, to make people think a bit. Many good novels have a kind of "What's up people?!" beneath them, about racism or anti-antisemitism. You can deal with underlying points however you like, that's usually opinion. But you need to write for entertainment, to make it fun to read. What's pretty much the only way to do this is by drawing a reader in. Use your common sense to figure this out, here's an example story for you, "Master Chief blew up the covenant armada." Now, you've read that entire story. Was that any fun at all for you? That's the problem here, your writing is very vague, and doesn't draw a person in at all. To make a person feel an atmosphere or something, that person has to be able to believe in it, they have to imagine it, like watching a movie in your head. To do that, you need to describe things very well, and make the reader really feel it. Now, what you've written pretty much does none of that. It doesn't describe the setting well....not at all. You've said a couple words about temperature, a chair, and that the character is in a dungeon. But you haven't described the room. What's it made of? How well lit is it? What are the furnishings? Is it completely blank and the character and chair the only thing there? What does he feel, what does he hear, what does he smell? All these instruments you're talking about, are they on tables or hanging off the walls? Besides physical environment, your character is as boring as a lump of clay. He feels nothing, and doesn't act human at all. It's simply not believable. How is a reader supposed get frightened when the situation simply isn't depicted as frightening at all? And if it's so unrealistic it's bizarre, it's like trying to feel the suspense when you say "A daisy sprouted up and the guy tripped, and I ate him whole." Your character doesn't feel remotely human. Unless the character has a mental condition, no one wakes up alone, disorientated, knowing they're going to die, and just go "I'm going to die? Well shucks, guess I'll sit here like a gargoyle and not do anything, because nothings going to change." Even if the character has that type of personality, then it's completely boring for the reader. The guy isn't scared, he's not even confused. Why should the reader be? Quick thing, he's yelling "stop it", stop what? The guy hasn't even touched him yet, and if your character is so cool headed, why is he suddenly yelling? If he's scared now, then describe it. You haven't said a word about how he's feeling. A rather poor description of pain. The problem with writing about pain, is that you actually can't fully describe it. Unless a person has felt pain, they'll never understand by reading about it. But luckily, every person we have (healthy, that is) on this planet knows what pain feels like. So what you have to do, is try to get them to remember what pure, total agony feels like. You can't do that with one sentence that says "It hurt and burned up in my hand." Typically, you can drone on about pain, just describe it differently, and vividly. Does it burn or sting? Dull or sharp? Constant or pulsing? Does it flare up with every pulse of blood? You can do a lot of things with pain, but you've just done barely more than say "It hurt a lot. I yelled." That's pretty boring. As for the rest of it, Adara's said a lot, so I have little more to add. Oh and also, this is waaay to short. It's not even 500 words, that's less than the minimum requirement for a class essay in my high school. You might think it's not too important, but I'll show again, "Master chief blew up the covenant armada." I'm sure you agree that sucks. Why? Because it's so short and vague it doesn't get anything across. Your biggest problem besides characters, is that you sum up things as shortly as possible.
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Hostel
Jul 2, 2008 23:37:20 GMT -5
Post by Adara on Jul 2, 2008 23:37:20 GMT -5
As a writer, I should say that writing is an art form. Not everyone can do it. Those of us who can, are as blessed as people who can make a blank canvas into a masterpiece. So, it's rather...sad, that you would want to write just to prove someone wrong. A writer who's work is good doesn't need to prove anything. Their writing will speak for itself. Just, FYI. Okay, I'll start off with something very logical, probably just a simple mistake on your part. You can't nail a metal chair to a concrete floor. It has to be bolted to it. Also, in your attempt to create some sort of suspense, you ended up making this paragraph into nothing more than facts. This is your opening paragraph and it doesn't flow. This doesn't spur a reader to keep reading. It makes us want to move on.... Not to mention that Your character's blood would circulate regardless of the situation. Unless of course, said character was already dead. (In which case this would be rather moot.) This again, is where you're suppose to bring in human nature, in my opinion. Regardless of whether or not we are all going to die, we humans are wired to be survivors. We don't just assess the situation, come to the conclusion that we're going to die, and accept it. Also, your last sentence should have probably read, "After all, we all had to die, my death was simply going to be far more painful..." It would have built up to the next chapter. Rather than making us completely unsympathetic toward the character who is possibly meeting his death. Other than him being white, tall, and with dark brown eyes, there's nothing else you're telling us. Again, a basic character description. You would think that a character who was being confronted by someone who would more than likely look threatening, would try and assess this individual as much as possible, so if he escaped, he could identify the culprit. Again, your lack of logic and understanding of human nature is showing. Does he have an accent? A lisp? Does he sound angry, frustrated, amused? Demanding doesn't give us much to work with. You're being vague with your dialog. Not a good sign since you're not giving us much character description and characterization to begin with. Again, no emotion, no insight to how the main character feels. This sounds like this villain just asked him to give him a back rub. For someone who again, could die, this isn't logical. Trying to make the character sound cool, only makes him less genuine. Try and separate character thoughts and description by making the thoughts into Italics. It's easier to keep track of them that way. I also find it strange that your main character is not fighting his binds. I'm sorry, but personally, if I was facing death, I'd be fighting them as my life does in fact, depend on it. Again, the character is so..blase in his pleas. I literally yawned when he was talking. There's no urgency, there's...nothing. The paragraph after that reads like a text book as well. It doesn't flow, much like the other paragraphs. This actually reads like a story outline, more than a piece of literary work. You need to spell check and check your grammar before posting. Much of this last bit had absolutely horrible grammatical mistakes. Some could have easily been avoided by a spell check. One or two words misspelled in a vignette of this size is okay. To have it littered with them is unacceptable. Not to mention, it's obvious you didn't study one. bloody. thing. about childbirth. Let me tell you, women have a high threshold of pain. What is painful for us, can be brain override, seriously screwed for some men. (I'm speaking of childbirth, specifically) Broken nails can be painful, but, not as painful as having children. All in all, you need A LOT of work. I cannot say, that you are a good writer. I would have to agree with Orthrus on this. You don't do research, which any good writer worth their salt, would do long before actually posting a story for the public to see. This is a narrative. It filled wih facts sothe reader can know the surroundings and whats around me. The character is biased on his pleas? What else is there to say? Trying to get out of a metal. Trying to resist restraint. Thats impossible. This character is pessitimistic about his chances of survival. After your handcuffed to a *pauk*ing chair. Of course its basic character description the *pauk*ing hiding in a damn labcoat and mask. Well I wasn't thinking about the word "Bolted" at the time. First of all: FAIL ONCE AGAIN. You can't take genuine critique. You take it like a brat, congrats for proving me right about your lack of experience and maturity yet again. Secondly, I never said, biased, I said, BLASE. As in, completely bored, not impressed, not...anything. Thirdly, lol, you're leaving the reader to assume he's pessimistic? No description, no nothing? You're basically asking the reader to be a *pauk*ing mind reader? I can't even bring you to read three long paragraphs of good description, and yet, you have this to say? It's hilarious! Fourthly, go read the chapter I put up, (if you can find it in your mind to read more than a page's worth of writing) and you tell me, whether or not I know what I'm doing. Kid, I've been at this longer than you've been able to wipe your own ass. I am not perfect, but I know what perfection and good writing is not. YOURS. IS. NOT.
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Hostel
Jul 2, 2008 23:39:28 GMT -5
Post by thapunkpred15 on Jul 2, 2008 23:39:28 GMT -5
I don't understand how moving around in a chair and shouting has something to do with something happening in his life. Doesn't make sense to me.
You guys must not seen the movie..... Nobody has seen Return of the living dead. Nobody has seen Hostel....jesus christ thats sad.
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Hostel
Jul 2, 2008 23:42:42 GMT -5
Post by E-Stalin [Orthrus] on Jul 2, 2008 23:42:42 GMT -5
I don't understand how moving around in a chair and shouting has something to do with something happening in his life. Doesn't make sense to me. You guys must not seen the movie..... Nobody has seen Return of the living dead. Nobody has seen Hostel....jesus christ thats sad. Did you read my post at all? Don't you get that what you need to do is entertain readers, and that you completely fail at doing that by writing like that?
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Hostel
Jul 2, 2008 23:46:31 GMT -5
Post by Adara on Jul 2, 2008 23:46:31 GMT -5
I don't understand how moving around in a chair and shouting has something to do with something happening in his life. Doesn't make sense to me. You guys must not seen the movie..... Nobody has seen Return of the living dead. Nobody has seen Hostel....jesus christ thats sad. First off, those movies suck, IMO. If someone reading wanted to see a movie, they'd go and rent one. You're trying to pass off as a decent writer right? Well, guess what? Real, good authors don't write stuff and leave information out because they assume others know it. What's sad is that you think that your story as it stands, could make the cut.
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Hostel
Jul 2, 2008 23:49:25 GMT -5
Post by thapunkpred15 on Jul 2, 2008 23:49:25 GMT -5
Yeah its sad that you don't undestand the concet of the story. Its from the movie Hostel. Watch it!
Im basing the character off of me. What I would do in this situation.
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Hostel
Jul 2, 2008 23:54:26 GMT -5
Post by Adara on Jul 2, 2008 23:54:26 GMT -5
Yeah its sad that you don't undestand the concet of the story. Its from the movie Hostel. Watch it! Im basing the character off of me. What I would do in this situation. That's a mistake. THough taking character traits from people is not a bad idea, taking character traits from yourself makes your character into a Gary Stu. You honestly think you'd be in control of your emotions in that situation? lol (A Gary Stu is basically a writer inserting themselves into a story through a character, to glorify themselves. In other words, bad characterization...)
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Hostel
Jul 2, 2008 23:55:08 GMT -5
Post by E-Stalin [Orthrus] on Jul 2, 2008 23:55:08 GMT -5
Yeah its sad that you don't undestand the concet of the story. Its from the movie Hostel. Watch it! Im basing the character off of me. What I would do in this situation. First, I've seen Hostel. So what? What "concept"? Some guy gets abducted and gutted. Boring. Second, liar. If you truly believe that's what you'd do, then you truly are beyond conceited. Have you ever been in a life or death situation? From what you've written, you simply have no idea. If that's the way people can act, then why don't they? You've never left your house and actually felt fear have you? That's not you, that's not anyone. That's what you want to be, and it's what you never will be. That sure as Hell is not what you would do. Most likely, you'd either completely freeze up, or start screaming, crying, and begging. Pick one.
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Hostel
Jul 2, 2008 23:58:38 GMT -5
Post by thapunkpred15 on Jul 2, 2008 23:58:38 GMT -5
yeah ok. Check out my texas chainsaw massacre story then.
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Hostel
Jul 3, 2008 10:58:43 GMT -5
Post by Captain Gojira on Jul 3, 2008 10:58:43 GMT -5
Just read through, and my only advice would be to increase sentence structure complexity, like compound, complex, compound-complex, etc.
As far as behavior and all, I just can't seem to understand the human mind at all, apparently. You probably do a better job at that then I.
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Hostel
Feb 16, 2009 21:54:46 GMT -5
Post by Still Churchill on Feb 16, 2009 21:54:46 GMT -5
My bare feet on cold concrete. The chills in the air hit my face and shirtless body. I pulled my head up and opened my eyes. I examined my surroundings to find myself in some sort of dungeon. There I was binded to a metal chair. It was rusted and very small. It was nailed into the dirty concrete floor. My wrist and ankles were handcuffed. My heart was racing. Blood circulating. I rarely have the chance to say this. But the first few sentences of this made me incredibly happy. Why you may ask? Because it reminds me of the writing of an amazing man, Ralph Waldo Emerson. Thing it reminded me of: "Standing on the bare ground, -- my head bathed by the blithe air and uplifted into infinite space, -- all mean egotism vanishes. I become a transparent eyeball; I am nothing; I see all; the currents of the Universal Being circulate through me. I am part or particle of God." I just couldn't keep that in. Thank you
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