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Post by Random_Logic [William_Clinch] on Sept 12, 2005 12:58:09 GMT -5
That reminded me of another one (not sure if this is compleatly right though, and I'm makeing some of it up, as I forgot most of the begining))
-One day bob was fed up with his normal life, and wanted something different, so he bought a ticket to africa to start a new life there. When in africa, he was searching for a job, and came across the job of monkey catcher, interested he went to talk to the man, and they (and the catchers dog) set off in to the jungle to catch monkeys. The catcher, showing how it was done, got his big stick, and poked a monkey out of a nearby tree. As soon as it hit the ground, the dog (bigger than the monkey) ran over and started to f*ck it. after a while, the monke was so exhausted, that it couldn't move, and the catcher walked over, and put the monkey in his bag/net Eventually, they came across a monkey who didn't fall out when poked with the stick. The catcher said to the man "I'm going to have to clime up there and push him out" and handed the man his things, and his gun "what's the gun for? are there lions around"? asked the man "no" said the catcher "thats in case I fall out the tree, shoot the dog"
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Post by Random_Logic [William_Clinch] on Sept 15, 2005 8:44:55 GMT -5
One evening, Mike went over to his friend, Terry's, house to play cards with some friends. Mike sat directly across from Terry's wife. Mike dropped a card on the floor and bent down to pick it up. When he looked across the table he saw that Terry's wife had her legs wide open and no knickers on. He sat up and was flushed. He went into the kitchen to get a drink of water.
To his surprise, Terry's wife had followed him into the kitchen and said "Did you like what you saw?" Mike said "Yes, I did!" Terry's wife said "Well, you can get more than that but it will cost you £250" So Mike thought about his financial situation and said okay. She said "Come here tomorrow at 2:30 because Terry will be at work." Mike said "I'll see you then."
The next day Mike went over, they had sex, he paid her, then he left. Later Terry came home and asked "Has Mike been over here today?" Thinking she had been caught, she said "As a matter of fact, he did."
Terry said "Good, because that idiot came by my job this morning and asked to borrow £250 until this evening, and he said he would leave It with you."
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Draven
Warrior
The Lethal Protector|--|Default
Posts: 167
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Post by Draven on Sept 15, 2005 12:38:42 GMT -5
I'm not sure this counts as an 'adult' joke, but it's close enough.
I haven't read all the jokes here, so I apologize is this has been posted already.
A woman drags her husband to Church one day, much to his unhappiness. During the service, he starts falling in and out of sleep. One of the times he's sleeping, a woman sitting behind his wife taps her on the shoulder and says "When he falls asleep, poke him with this." and hands her a pen. The priest asks "What is the name of our Father?" and she swiftly jabs the pen into her husbands ass. He leaps up into the air shouting "God Almighty!!" and the priest says "That's correct, please sit down." Later, he falls asleep again. The priest asks "Who is God's son?", she stabs him again and he leaps up shouting "Jesus H. Chr*st!!" "That's correct, please sit down." Again, he falls asleep. "And what did Mrs. Jesus say when they were making love?" JAB!! "If you stick that damn thing in me again I'll rip you're f*cking head off!!!"
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Post by Cheshire cat on Sept 15, 2005 20:53:40 GMT -5
She goes into Wal-Mart and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it doesn't work.
The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
All of a sudden, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming!
"GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!
The clerk, not knowing what to do, runs to get the store manager. The manager comes up to the Woman and asks, "What's wrong?" !
She explains the situation with the toaster.
He tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming,
"GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!"
In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are saying you that?"
In a huff, the woman says,
"BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY BREASTS GRABBED WHEN I'M GETTING SCREWED!
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Post by Cheshire cat on Oct 4, 2005 19:32:44 GMT -5
This ones good:
A City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him. "Nice bike," the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!" The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it." The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop. The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."
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Post by Psychoman on Oct 6, 2005 17:43:23 GMT -5
that would be weird to here a little girl say that.
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Post by zehava on Oct 6, 2005 17:49:10 GMT -5
Either way that was funny.
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Post by zehava on Oct 6, 2005 17:58:06 GMT -5
Ok this is a pretty good one
This guys starts having sex with his wife when all of a sudden he starts yellimg" Let the devil take me, let the devil take me". His wife stares at him in shock. The next day he starts having sex with his wife again when the same thing happenes "Let the devil take me, let the devil take me". The guy is embaressed so the next day he decideds to go to a priest. The guy tells the priest his situation so the priest said " Ok today have sex with your wife and make a little hole in the side of the wall so I can see what is happening, when I see what is happening I will make a pray". So the guy does what the preist says and he starts having sex with his wife when he starts screaming "Let the Devil take me, Let the devil take me". Then all of a sudden the priest pops into the room cherking off saying" Take me too, take me too".
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Post by Spooky on Oct 6, 2005 18:01:44 GMT -5
I don't get it Why was the guy saying let the devil take me?
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Post by Cheshire cat on Oct 7, 2005 9:46:40 GMT -5
I don't get it Why was the guy saying let the devil take me? Probably a little insane? Thats not even the point though lol.
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Post by Psychoman on Oct 7, 2005 17:06:27 GMT -5
its not that funny....oh well at least it origonal
Ya know what really grinds my gears....
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Post by zehava on Oct 7, 2005 23:09:02 GMT -5
This is my favorite stupid funny joke
One time there was a haunted hotel and this guy needed to stay somewhere so he stayed at the hotel. But at 12:00 at night a ghost came and yelled "Im the ghost who haunts these walls if you dont leave now I will kick your balls". The guy gets so scared he jumps out the window and dies. The next day the same thing happens but to a different person and the ghost comes at 12:00 at night again yelling "Im the ghost who haunts these walls if you dont leave now I will kick your balls". That guy gets scared and jumps out the window and dies. The next day Santa Claus stays there for the night but at 12:00 at night the ghost comes to his room and starts yelling "Im the ghost who haunts these walls if you dont leave now I will kick your balls" then all of a sudden Santa jumps ontop of the bed yelling back "Im Santa Claus from the christmas past if you touch my balls I will kick your ass"
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Post by Cheshire cat on Oct 7, 2005 23:42:49 GMT -5
This is a stupid funny one One time there was a haunted hotel and this guy needed to stay somewhere so he stayed at the hotel. But at 12:00 at night a ghost came and yelled "Im the ghost who haunts these walls if you dont leave now I will kick your balls". The guy gets so scared he jumps out the window and dies. The next day the same thing happens but to a different person and the ghost comes at 12:00 at night again yelling "Im the ghost who haunts these walls if you dont leave now I will kick your balls". That guy gets scared and jumps out the window and dies. The next day Santa Claus stays there for the night but at 12:00 at night the ghost comes to his room and starts yelling "Im the ghost who haunts these walls if you dont leave now I will kick your balls" then all of a sudden Santa jumps ontop of the bed yelling back "Im Santa Claus from the christmas past if you touch my balls I will kick your ass" LOOOL i love that one!
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Post by zehava on Oct 7, 2005 23:45:06 GMT -5
Yeah I thought that one was better than the other one
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Post by Cheshire cat on Oct 7, 2005 23:57:20 GMT -5
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table when a hot blonde walks up and bets $20,000 on a single roll of the dice. "I hope you don't mind," she says to the two men, "but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." She strips naked and rolls the dice.
As the dice come to a stop, she jumps up and down screams, "I WON I WON!!"
She then hugs both the dealers, picks up her money and her clothes, and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded.
Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll, anyway?"
The other answers, "I don't know. I thought YOU were watching."
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Post by zehava on Oct 8, 2005 0:01:06 GMT -5
Ha Yea that one was a good one. The Blond scammed them
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Post by Psychoman on Oct 9, 2005 19:04:31 GMT -5
|knock knock
-whos there
|knock knock
-whos there
|knock knock
-whos there?!?!?!
|knock konck
-WHO THE FUK IS THERE DAMNIT @%#$^@$!%
|Knock knock
-*swins the door open and screams* WTF DO YOU WANT?!?!?!?!?!
|donate to the def?
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Post by zehava on Oct 16, 2005 21:40:45 GMT -5
Ha ha yea that was a good one
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Post by zehava on Oct 17, 2005 21:45:31 GMT -5
One day some guy named Joe goes to his Therapyst and says " Hey man I really need some help, I dont know why but everytime I get drunk I blow Chunks". Then the Therapyst says "That is normal when you get drunk, If you drink alot you throw up". Then Joe says" I dont think you know what Im saying, Chunks is my dog"
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Post by Cheshire cat on Oct 21, 2005 12:39:58 GMT -5
One day some guy named Joe goes to his Therapyst and says " Hey man I really need some help, I dont know why but everytime I get drunk I blow Chunks". Then the Therapyst says "That is normal when you get drunk, If you drink alot you throw up". Then Joe says" I dont think you know what Im saying, Chunks is my dog" 0_0 Oh my haha.
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