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Post by Yautja100 on Feb 26, 2005 10:07:02 GMT -5
WARNING: THIS THREAD WILL HAVE ADULT JOKES SO IF YOU ARE NOT AN ADULT OR YOU CAN NOT TAKE ADULT JOKES THEN DO NOT EVEN READ FROM THIS THREAD SO GET OUT OF HERE BUT EVERYBODY ELSE THAT IS AN ADULT CAN READ AND POST IN MY THREAD.
Okay now since thats out of the way you guys can post all your adult jokes here and I myself will be posting adult jokes to.
So what are you waiting for get posting your adult jokes slacker.
I will go first.
Harry did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a cowl standing in front of his bed. "What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?.. and who are you?" he asked. "This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven." "WHAT!?? Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die.. I'm too young." said Harry. "If I'm dead, I want you to send me back immediately." "It's not that easy", said St.Peter, "you can only return as a dog or a hen. You can choose on your own..." Harry thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad. "I want to return as a hen." Harry replied. And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But man, now "he" felt like the rear end was gonna blow.. then along came the rooster. "Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm." he said. "How does it feel?" "Well, it's OK I guess, but it feels like my rear end is blowing up." "Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. Have you never laid an egg before??" "No, how do I do that?" Harry asked. "Cluck twice, and then you push all you can." Harry clucked twice, and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'Plop' and an egg was on the ground. "Wow" Harry said "that felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground. The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout: "Harry, for Gods sake wake up, you're *c'jit*ing all over the bed!"
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Post by Cheshire cat on Feb 26, 2005 15:31:27 GMT -5
Hahaha thats a great one!
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Post by Yautja100 on Feb 26, 2005 16:41:18 GMT -5
Hey Paya guan thwei if you have any adult jokes then post them here.
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Post by Col. Kroenen (retired) on Feb 27, 2005 1:03:41 GMT -5
That was absolutly sickening. I loved it! More! More! More!
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Post by Yautja100 on Feb 27, 2005 13:36:49 GMT -5
Well Beast wanted more so I got some more.
A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town. Abruptly, the girl stopped the boy dead in his tracks. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After the obligatory cigarette, the boy sat in the driver's seat, staring out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl. "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."
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Post by DachandesHonor on Feb 27, 2005 20:14:05 GMT -5
A young female teacher was giving her class of six year olds a quiz "behind my back I've got something red, round and you can eat it. what is it?" she asked. "an apple" replied little Raymond "no," said the teacher " it's a tomato but it shows your thinking." "I've now got something round, a greenish colored you can eat it." "An apple," replied little Ian "No it's an onion, but it shows your thinking." Little scruffy Johnny at the back of the class says "I've got something under my desk that's an inch long, white and it has a red end." "Dirty little boy," said the teacher "No it's a match, but it shows you were thinking," he answered.
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Post by DachandesHonor on Feb 27, 2005 20:15:45 GMT -5
An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. 'There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear.' Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse's anus and licked it. 'Now you must do the same,' he told the class.
After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed.
'Second,' the professor continued, 'you must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this man's anus, but licked my index finger?'
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Post by DachandesHonor on Feb 27, 2005 20:16:50 GMT -5
One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone handwritten the word 'penis' in tiny small letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class. The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' again on the black board.
Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.
Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same word written on the board, each day's word, larger than the previous day's word.
Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words,
'The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!'
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Post by Yautja100 on Feb 27, 2005 20:16:57 GMT -5
Hahahahahahahahahahah...that was sooo funny. ;D ;D
BTW...nice one Dachande keep them coming. ;D ;D
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Post by DachandesHonor on Feb 27, 2005 20:17:59 GMT -5
So, this guy, Bill is sitting at the bar and pulls out this tiny little piano and a little guy about a foot tall. The little guy sits down and starts playing the piano quite beautifully. The fellow on the next bar stool, Joe says' That's amazing. Where did you get him?' Bill says' well I got this magic lamp with a genie' So the other fellow says that's great could I use it?' Bill says 'sure ' and hands him the lamp. Joe rubs the lamp and out comes the genie. He says' I want a million bucks'. Suddenly the room is entirely filled with quacking ducks! Joe exclaims 'Hey! I asked for 1 million BUCKS! not DUCKS!' Bill explained 'Yes, the genie is a bit deaf. You don't think I really asked for a twelve inch pianist do you?
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Post by DachandesHonor on Feb 27, 2005 20:18:18 GMT -5
Hahahahahahahahahahah...that was sooo funny. ;D ;D BTW...nice one Dachande keep them coming. ;D ;D lol ok Ill keep em commin
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Post by DachandesHonor on Feb 27, 2005 20:18:54 GMT -5
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.
The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'.'
'Yeah' she replies, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.
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Post by Yautja100 on Feb 27, 2005 20:19:34 GMT -5
HA!!!...good good. ;D
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Post by Yautja100 on Feb 27, 2005 20:20:35 GMT -5
Heres one
2 gay guys and 2 lesbians raced to texas, who got there 1st?
The lesbians, the got there lickety split and the gay guys were still packin their shit!
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Post by DachandesHonor on Feb 27, 2005 20:21:42 GMT -5
(p.s. this one does not pertain to me)
True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.
"The moral of this story is:"
"Always keep your condoms in your car."
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Post by Yautja100 on Feb 27, 2005 20:23:53 GMT -5
LMFAO. ;D
how can you tell when a pussy is worn out.
if you are able to stick your thumb in her ass and your finger in her pussy and snap your fingers.
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Post by DachandesHonor on Feb 27, 2005 20:24:02 GMT -5
These four gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee. 'My son,' says one, 'has made quite a name for himself in the homebuilding industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift.'
The second man, not to be outdone, allows how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. 'He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift.'
The third man's son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.
As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in.
'To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son has turned out, he replies. 'For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's a practicing homosexual. But, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates.'
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Post by Yautja100 on Feb 27, 2005 20:25:31 GMT -5
one payday a group of lumberjacks were sitting in a bar getting drunk. eventually the topic of discussion turned to who had the biggest dick. To settle the debate they decided that they would pull out their dicks,put them on the table and compare.Just at that exact moment a gay guy walks into the bar.As the gay guy walks up to the bar Joe the batender asks the guy'' what can I get ya'' The gay looks around the room, spots the lumberjacks and says''I just came in to ask for direction,but while I'm here I'm here I may has well have the buffet.''
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Post by Yautja100 on Feb 27, 2005 20:28:53 GMT -5
Mamma and pappa where rocking on the front porch when pappa turned and slapped mamma
Mamma said "what the fuck was that for?"
Pappa said "for forty years of bad sex".
Mamma said "oh" and continued rocking.
(About 5 minuts later)
Mamma reached over and slapped the shit out of pappa.
Pappa said "Bitch what the fuck was that foor?"
Mamma said "for knowing the difference."
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Post by Yautja100 on Feb 27, 2005 20:30:14 GMT -5
There was a guy who had a really bad stuttering problem. His wife kept telling him "if you keep stuttering im going to get a divorce" He still didnt get the problem fixed. so she told him again "if you keep stuttering im going to get a divorce and i mean it!" so he finally decides to go to the doctor. The doctor looks at him and tells him to strip so the man does. the doctor says oh there is your problem, your dick is to big. the man replies wwwwhaat cccan iiiii dooooo? the doctor goes well you can get it chopped off... so the man agrees to go into surgery and comes out without stuttering. a couple months later (after recovery) he comes back to the doctor and says: "my wife keeps telling me i need to get my dick back because its to small and she keeps threatining me...so i want it back" the doctor looks at him and says: "iiiii'm sooorrrry nnno reeeeefundddds"
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