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Post by Adara on Apr 11, 2008 20:22:28 GMT -5
Okay, for your first try, I suppose it isn't all that bad.
But, as someone who's written for quite sometime now, lemme tell you...
NEVER EVER GET A NAME OF A CITY WRONG.
First off, you can offend people, lol.
Second reason is because it isn't so difficult to look up the bloody name.
I'm from Los ANGELES. (It's Spanish for a Reason my friend, it translates into: "The Angels") I cringed every time you got it wrong. Like, physically cringed.
Thirdly, as far as adult situations, you had absolutely NO warning at the beginning of the story that there were going to be any. You are NEVER suppose to post a story without having first told people what it will contain.
Not only will it get you in trouble, but it can get Joker in crap too, should someone be offended by this.
Last but not least, the story doesn't draw a person in at all. I mean, it's as if I'm reading an essay, rather than an actual story. Working on your description might be beneficial. Not only because it makes the story enthralling, but, well, I wouldn't consider this writing a, "story" on my worst day.
(oh, and btw, you also usually put the name of the city before the name of the state.)
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Post by spearheart on Apr 11, 2008 20:31:14 GMT -5
Well I liked it. I love how it makes my heart race and keep me on the edge of my seat.
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Post by E-Stalin [Orthrus] on Apr 11, 2008 20:42:33 GMT -5
You do need to warn us. Because if some 12 year old reads this and their parents get pissed, Joker will take the blame, even though you're the one responsible. There's a reason the rules ask for you to post prior warning to graphic gore or sex, because of liability. And seeing as some people get offended at the very sight of another ethnicity, there are people than can definitely get offended when you make the name of their hometown look like garbage. Just dropping the two cents.
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Post by spearheart on Apr 11, 2008 20:44:54 GMT -5
yell Ok I get what your saying Orthrus. I just don't want thapunkpred15's feelings hurt. I know he works hard on his stories both fictional and non.
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Post by thapunkpred15 on Apr 11, 2008 20:48:25 GMT -5
My feelings aren't hurt it just shows that I have to try harder.
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Post by spearheart on Apr 11, 2008 20:50:52 GMT -5
Well I'm glad your feeling are not hurt. ^_^. Ya well thats good that you never give up.
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Post by Adara on Apr 11, 2008 23:25:48 GMT -5
lol, Spearheart, I think he's a big boy, and can answer for himself. I clearly meant no offense, for if I had, I would have had the good grace to do it via PM. I was giving him a critical review of his work. If you honestly think that it's that bad, I don't know how you're going to survive the real world.... lol
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Post by Still Churchill on Apr 12, 2008 10:40:31 GMT -5
It looks like I missed this, as I never had time to fully read it. As others have said, there has to be proper warning for sexual and violent content. I have taken the time to put the warning in for you since you haven't yet found the time to do it yourself. This is the only time I will do this. If I see another post without clarification of what is in the story (meaning another story), it will be deleted. As said, we take the blame for these things, not you. It's our job to keep things like this MODERATED. So please, keep this in mind next time. And, no offense, but when you're writing, make sure you spell things right. This isn't just meant for you, in general it pisses me off, but there's nothing worse than reading something with spelling mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes of course, but proofread it for spelling mistakes.
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Post by spearheart on Apr 12, 2008 13:00:10 GMT -5
I have a question. How is it sexual. Violent and gory (Which i like) but how is it sexual? I'm just asking. curious if you will.
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Post by Still Churchill on Apr 12, 2008 13:10:04 GMT -5
I have a question. How is it sexual. Violent and gory (Which i like) but how is it sexual? I'm just asking. curious if you will. Do you really need us to tell you what is sexual? Well, let me give you some quotes: "Sonny was in the front with his girlfriend, Pamela having sex." "The orgasms of the girl were getting loud. It was irritating Chandler so he grabbed a small pillow and put it on his ears." "Well you must be mad cause your girlfriend is a whore! Yeah I wouldn't doubt that I *pauk*ed her in the back of the school earlier!" "Whats up queer? Giving blowjobs to the principal?" Sure, it's how kids in high school are. But it is still sexual, and this is a family forum. Things like these have to have a disclaimer.
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Post by spearheart on Apr 12, 2008 13:14:43 GMT -5
oh *c'jit*. i guess i missed that part. yes punkpred please warn us. I had to of missed that. cuz if I had not i think I'd be telling you what Formerly known as the Reaper is saying. Hmm making this moment light you could have this saying WARNING RATED 15 AND UP or something. Oh and not all high schoolers are like that.
(is there like a side board for stories for the um more mature stories?)
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Post by E-Stalin [Orthrus] on Apr 12, 2008 13:22:43 GMT -5
You realize fifteen is still underage right? And there are still fifteen year olds that would find that content highly wrong, though there aren't that many. Disclaimers should simply tell readers before hand that it contains the content. A typical disclaimer says: "This story contains graphic descriptions of intense violence, gore, and sexual acts. Etc, do not read if so forth and so forth" An age limit isn't needed, just the warning.
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Post by spearheart on Apr 12, 2008 13:26:01 GMT -5
true and LOL it sounds like a TV show starting up. LOL
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Post by Still Churchill on Apr 12, 2008 13:36:30 GMT -5
oh *c'jit*. i guess i missed that part. yes punkpred please warn us. I had to of missed that. cuz if I had not i think I'd be telling you what Formerly known as the Reaper is saying. Hmm making this moment light you could have this saying WARNING RATED 15 AND UP or something. Oh and not all high schoolers are like that. Thank you for realizing our point. And I know not all high schoolers are like that. I didn't mean to generalize like that, I meant the people he was talking about, the "jocks", are like that, so it's somewhat realistic. I have no problem with that. I do have the problem of people that would be offended by that sort of material read it, not know what is coming, and then get hit with "the girl's orgasms were getting louder." I put the warning up, so there is no problem. In fact, I think I should put a sticky up about this.
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Post by E-Stalin [Orthrus] on Apr 12, 2008 13:37:46 GMT -5
Another sticky telling people to read the rules before prior engagement? Just never seems to end eh?
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Post by spearheart on Apr 12, 2008 13:40:47 GMT -5
whats a sticky?
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Post by thapunkpred15 on Apr 12, 2008 15:41:43 GMT -5
Does it matter? Its a story.
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Post by Still Churchill on Apr 12, 2008 16:48:40 GMT -5
Does it matter? Its a story. Yes. It does matter. I've said it over and over. this is supposed to be a family forum, proper disclaimers have to be placed. Yeah, it's a story. Stories are made of words. Words can affect people. The story has inappropriate content. Therefore people should have the chance to know it contains inappropriate content. There is nothing you can argue with here. It is the rules of the forum, and they will be enforced.
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Post by thapunkpred15 on Apr 12, 2008 20:41:54 GMT -5
Please someone just destroy and delete this damn story.
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Post by Still Churchill on Apr 12, 2008 23:42:43 GMT -5
There's no real problem with the story, but if you really want me to delete it I will.
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