Vampyr: Reckoning

[Setg]

This is an idea I've had pottering around my head for awhile, so i decided to put it down on paper, which strangely is the first thing I've written on paper. Everything else usually just comes straight on-line.

"What about him?" the voice asked expectantly.

"No." Helena sighed, feeling born of frustration with her latest assignment. The rain had been constant for over an hour now. Although the torrential downpour did not bother her kind as much as it did the humans they observed, it was still a constant source of irritation to her, much like her companion.

"Ooh, Ohh, her, what about her?" exclaimed Dominic beside her.

She didn't even need to look around to see the object of Dominic;'s lustful affections. She was more than likely blonde, about 6 feet tall, and in the younger vampyr's own slang terms "stacked".

Absolutely not." she warned him, putting as much venom into her tone as she could muster. As usual, the venom bounced of the younger vampyr without him even realizing.

"Well, we could turn her anyway, I could always use a new bed-warmer." grinned the vampyr, flashing his fangs in the last vestiges of moonlight. Helena turned away from him in disgust, flashing your fangs was one of the main tells of a new vampyr. It was an unnecessary brag and a crude way to attract attention, in the way that bodybuilders would sometime flex their muscles whilst talking to people, or a black belt in karate wearing his gi to the office. After a while the vampyr learned that fear could be obtained in other ways, without such a gaudy display, and the fear was much, much, sweeter and satisfying for it.

"Ok, ok - last one I promise. The big guy down there." he said, pointing to a section of the street below "he's practically got "bad-ass " tattooed across his forehead!" laughed the vampyr.

Helena's patience (which usually would just about fit on the head of a pin, between the legs of the dancing angels already on there) expired, and her rage flooded out in hushed yet scalding tones.

"Listen to me leech," she hissed, emphasizing the word that was a common insult for the less experienced of the vampyr.

"Do you realize that it takes decades to be able to scry humans to identify which of the blessed few amongst them can be turned into warriors for us. In fact, if I wasn't Heinrich's daughter, there is a great chance that even I would not be able to do it. You have been one of us for less than 5 years; there is not even the slightest chance that you will be able to scry for years to come, if ever. Leave me to do the scrying and concern yourself with your role on this task!"

"Well, I was only trying to help!" the younger vampyr intoned, obviously dejected.

Helena silently cursed her father fro lumbering her with Dominic on this assignment. There were so many more capable vampyr that she would have preferred as company with her; Carlos, Nathaniel, many others that would be of more assistance than this youngling. Over the years, each vampyr obtained a specific power, in addition to their increased powers of increased strength, speed and invulnerability.

Helena's gift, as was her father's before her, was the power to dig into the subconsciousness of humans, to feel their morale fibre, their innermost desires, their dreams. This helped the vampyr in luring prey with sweet promises of broken dreams, but it's more practical use was to be able to ascertain which humans would make the best vampyr. In times of war, (and Helena struggled to remember a time when the separate vampyr factions were NOT at war) this gift was very useful for recruiting new soldiers and potential warriors. Any human could be turned, but Helena and the scant others were tasked with locating those more likely to beckon the darkness than flee from it; those with a blood-lust or a passion for violence. Humans that would not need a transition period to adjust to their new life but would embrace their new calling with enthusiasm, and could become the foot soldiers and generals in their undead army.

And so to the rain-soaked rooftop, where she sat scrying with Dominic, the younger vampyr sent by her father both as assistance in bringing in new recruits, and also as an escort. Helena had balked at the idea at the time, and had objected as much as she were able. She had lived for over 150 years, and had been taught to stalk and to hunt and to kill by the most expert killers ever imagined, so she needed no escort, but she dare not defy her father. Heinrich was her blood-father; she was born a vampyr him and he was the head of their vampyr faction, The Turel. He was also very overprotective of his only child. Helena's mother had been slaughtered during a fight over 80 years ago with the Dumah faction, and whilst her father had sought other female company over the years that followed for pleasure and companionship, he would never taint the memory of her mother an his true love for her by giving her a half-sibling.

Hence the accompaniment of the young vampyr beside her. Her father's intentions were good but his judgment needed some fine tuning.. Sending Dominic to escort her would have only been marginally more effective than sending a rabbit. With a wicked smile she reflected that at least the rabbit would have provided a slight snack.

More to follow...

[thepredatorhitman]

.....Decent, seen better.

[Adara]

thepredatorhitman said:

.....Decent, seen better.

lol,

I apologize in advance Setgin, for what I am about to say on your thread, but, holy hell. LOL

Snake,

Seriously? ".....Decent, seen better." is the best you can fucking do? As far as comments, well, hell, honey, I've seen my three-year-old speak fuller sentences.

But, as a reviewer, as you no doubt meant that half assed comment to be, it is shit. "Seen better" you say? I am assuming it is not any of your work, for I have yet to see any of it, AND if it in any way runs along the lines of your forum posts, I'm glad of it.

If you're going to grace us with your pearls of wisdom, could you at least, ATTEMPT to use full sentences and tell them what it was that could be improved rather than that passive aggressive crap you just pulled?



To Setgin,

Again, I apologize, but I fear that I cannot in anyway stand for Snake being so disrespectful, in the profession he claimed to have, lol, conquered.

It's an interesting excerpt. I would probably like to read more of what happened before then, or after, to get a better idea.

There are few typos here and there, but other than that, I have no complaints. I'll have to give it another read over, in case I find anything else I should bring up.

[E-Stalin [Orthrus]]

Compared to most of what people write and pass off as something good, this is excellent. Compared to proper books, it's very good. My problem is the general plot, just not something that I found easy to get into, nor did I like the way it was introduced. But the style, dialog, and general characters are pretty enjoyable. Thanks a lot.

[Setg]

thepredatorhitman said:

.....Decent, seen better.

PMSL, thanks Snake, for that detailed and competent analysis of my work.

It's an interesting excerpt. I would probably like to read more of what happened before then, or after, to get a better idea.

There are few typos here and there, but other than that, I have no complaints. I'll have to give it another read over, in case I find anything else I should bring up.

Compared to most of what people write and pass off as something good, this is excellent. Compared to proper books, it's very good. My problem is the general plot, just not something that I found easy to get into, nor did I like the way it was introduced. But the style, dialog, and general characters are pretty enjoyable. Thanks a lot.

Thanks for the input. guys, I would like to post what I've written so far in one go (about 4600 words) but I don't have a computer at home at the moment so I'm resorting to using work's in my lunch hour so I don't get chance to write a lot and spell check it in time. I might just type it all out in a Word doc over a few days then copy and paste it at a later date.