Prolog to book.

[Cheshire cat]

If it sucks i don't care i'm planning to redo it a little anyway. It's called ravencraft and or/Blackstone and it's the prolog.


Prolog:
Raven clan tower, a large black tower in the center of the raven clan territory. Many live around it and are completely safe to the Cobra clan, But not for long.

Talon IV.
"Um, commander?" Said the System operator on the Talon IV,
"What is it?" Said the Commander,
"We have a signal coming from the Cobra clan, they appear to be attacking."
"Can we stop them? How many are there?"
"Only 2" Said the system operator, "Oh no,"
"What now?"
"There are too many of them. Send for the fleet!"
"What’s the count?"
"60 and counting! 70, 80!"
"I am sending for the Fleet. Pull back now!" Said the commander as she taps a few buttons on her black keyboard.

Raven clan tower.
The commander rushing up the stairs finds the lord of raven sitting at his throne looking at his kingdom being destroyed.
"My liege, I have come to tell you that they have fended off the Cobra clan for now." Said the commander,
"Good" Said the Lord,
"This cannot continue. That clan has been at war with us for a very long time. Only just recently they made a truce. Although judging what just happened I suppose they are not trust worthy at all."
"Maybe we can make a pact." Said the commander,
"WHAT? Are you insane?"
"Insane is a relative word your majesty."
"True, true. But make a pact with the people who have killed our people for such a long time just because they want more land?"
"Completely destroying them would go against our law, if we made a pact, they would be breaking they're law to end it in violence. Which they have a reputation for doing."
"Possible, I will keep it in mind. But to have those terrible murderers in a pact would be strange. And besides, now that they have a vendetta on us again, that will be very hard." Said the lord turning off the monitor.
"Permission to be excused sire." Said the commander,
"Permission granted." Said the lord as he turns the monitor back on and the commander walks out of the room.


Talon IV
The commander came in through the back of the ship. Walking in, she heard something.Two of her crew members whispering.
"When do i have to do this again?" Said the one man,
"Well," Said the other "It goes like this: Right when we see the raven backup ship come to escort us back to the clan territory, you kill her. Remember to do it right when she says that it's in range."
"Okay, simple enugh. What if she fires first?"
"She won't" He said with an evil look.

The bridge
On the bridge, the commander was ready. She kept her eye on that one. Lucky for her, she had a sidearm.
"We have made it into the sector." Said the one.
"Beak II in range" Said the commander. The one crew member started to pull out his sidearm, but it was too late. She pulled out her sidearm, and yet didn't kill him. The one telling him to kill her had shot him.
"I knew he was a spy right when he was premoted to our ship." Said the crew member.
"A premotion shall go to you too." She said "Anyone who saves my life in such a manner should be a General of your own ship."
After a short pause.
"Thank you commander" He said with an exited look.

[econdha]

Is this here to be critiqued?

[Cheshire cat]

Go ahead. I like to find a way for improvments so i don't care if you say it sucks. I almost think the same.

[econdha]

Well, other than a spell check, which I always recommend (you can see I need to use one.) Your story switches points of veiw a lot. That makes it a little hard to understand who is talking and about whom.

I like the dialogue. It's got a good, really natural flow. It's pretty good, interesting, I want to find out what happens next and so far, with the assasination attempt and such, you've kept me guessing. I'd suggest running back through it and asking yourself paragraph by paragraph which things are really nessecary to the story as a whole.

Can't wait to see the rest. Thanks.

[Cheshire cat]

No thank you. Goodyness for that. Yeah i did misspell. LOL .

I wrote most of this before i read jurassic park. Now i know a little more about writing.

[Cheshire cat]

This is the most of the first chapter. The rest of it sucks butt and i'm rewriting it.




Chapter 1: The discovery.
A computer, in a room of computers. But this one is special. Why you ask? Continue reading to find out you lazy bum! William wakes up to see the office that looks like it's just had a party. He looks at his computer and sees 4 windows. Homestarrunner.com, ebaumsworld.com, miniclip.com, and the earth scanning system. William the Ubergeek works for a planet-charting program that looks for new things on the planet. After seeing "Dante's peak" and "The core", he got into geography real good. He used to make maps of his yards and put homemade receivers in the ground so that he could see the yard on a monitor when he was 12. He went to collage, and came to NPCA (National Planet Charting Association), and has just been scanning for new islands. He has also had a good reputation for finding a lot. Will looks at the blinking scanner and looks for the location.
"Close to Crete, not bad not bad." Said William. He scrolls some more, and sees the size.
"Holy. 400 miles. Have not seen that in a while. Now what kind of rocks do yah got?"
"He scrolls some more, "Granite, quartz, lime...Unknown? Wait a minute, wait a minute." He said. He looks at "the table"(The mineral table).
"My god, it's got so many metals in there. They are mixed, so many metals, I’ve never seen this before. But there is still an unknown, Similar to onyx. What is this metal?" He said as he Presses the "Big green button"(Alert button).
"Okay looks like it might be a new metal, lets check google. Maybe some punkass sell out company found it and made sure it didn't get to us." He clicks the homestarrunner.com tab to change to google but switches to the ebaums world tab,
"Nah, I like homestar runner better then ebaum." He said. He types "new black metal" in the google dialog box. No matches. He tries a few other things, after a while, even "punkass sell out corporation hiding new metal" but no matches.
"Since Crete is a lot like Atlantis, maybe it's an alien metal. Not from this planet." He says as he scans for shape. It brings up what looks like an actual structure.
"My god! That thing looks like the gate thing from starcraft! Speaking of which, I gotta play that game again, it kicked ass!" Said William. Will's team comes in. Jack, Dolce, Jimmy "Saint Jimmy" and Leo.
"Whatcha got will?" Said Dolce,
"Look like that thing from starcraft? You know? But it's got a butt load of metals in it. Including a metal that is not from this planet." Said Will.
"Damn, it's pretty freaking far down" Said Jimmy as he takes Jessica Simpson (from one of the other workers.) out of the stereo and puts Green day in.
"WOOOOOOT!" Said Jimmy, He sings along with "Holiday".
"It's in a cave, we can get in there without having to dig it up. That’s good, anybody remember the Greek incident?" Said Leo,
"Oh god I forgot about that, did they ever detonate that bomb?" Said Jack,
"Nah" Said Dolce.
"Are we going to go to that place? Maybe we can get in. The thinnest area is by the water." Said Leo,
"How thin?" Said Dolce,
"About... 4 feet" Said Leo.
"Then we can use a drill sub and take this team in." Said Jimmy.
"Right, tomorrow I’ll check it out." Said Will.

[econdha]

Adun said:

This is the most of the first chapter. The rest of it sucks butt and i'm rewriting it.

That you think that is a good sign, writers who think their work is great first draft are usually just wrong.

Adun said:

Chapter 1: The discovery.
A computer, in a room of computers. But this one is special. Why you ask? Continue reading to find out you lazy bum!

Uh, nice attempt to be funny? It didn't work.

Adun said:

4 windows. Homestarrunner.com, ebaumsworld.com, miniclip.com, and the earth scanning system.

OK, as I haven't been to those websites, I have no idea what the significance of that is. Most of your readers will be able to recognize Ebay, Google, and Napster, that will be the limit of websites they know by heart, and they'll have to ask for help on Napster.

Adun said:

William the Ubergeek works for a planet-charting program that looks for new things on the planet. After seeing "Dante's peak" and "The core", he got into geography real good. He used to make maps of his yards and put homemade receivers in the ground so that he could see the yard on a monitor when he was 12.

That's good, there's good information there, but we kind of get it all in a stack dump, you might consider spreading it out over 3 pages or so.

Adun said:

He went to collage, and came to NPCA (National Planet Charting Association), and has just been scanning for new islands.

Just like showed up and started playing with their computers, huh? Does he say, work there?

Adun said:

Presses the "Big green button"(Alert button).

I hate to tell you, but almost universally, in human culture, the alert button is the big red button. Green means go. Red means danger.

Adun said:

"Okay looks like it might be a new metal, lets check google. Maybe some punkass sell out company found it and made sure it didn't get to us."

That's pretty accurate, I'd definately keep it.

Adun said:

"Nah, I like homestar runner better then ebaum."

So What?!?!?

Adun said:

"Since Crete is a lot like Atlantis, maybe it's an alien metal. Not from this planet."

Random intercession from me: Did you know the mountains of Atlantis now make up the island of Cuba?

Adun said:

"My god! That thing looks like the gate thing from starcraft! Speaking of which, I gotta play that game again, it kicked ass!"

Plug for another product, and a great way to get sued.

Adun said:

Jessica Simpson (from one of the other workers.) out of the stereo and puts Green day in.

See above

Adun said:

"It's in a cave, we can get in there without having to dig it up. That's good, anybody remember the Greek incident?" Said Leo,
"Oh god I forgot about that, did they ever detonate that bomb?" Said Jack,
"Nah" Said Dolce.

I like that you introduce this and resolve it within a few sentances, it gives us information about this team.

[Cheshire cat]

1. Yeah i know about the whole product thing. Thats my personal one, if i ever release it, i already had it in mind to take those out.

2. I wasn't trying to be funny with that it was just a little added thing because i was bored and couldn't think about what to write. Forgot to take that out.

3. Yes it just showed up. Computers can work automaticly. He was set to work there.

4. If you didn't notece, what that green button did was "go" not "danger".

5. The hole ebaum not as good and homestar thing was called humanity. Real humans would say that. Not just close them all and act like an anal retensive moron talking like he was perfect.

6. The "greek incedent" was supposed to be like the noodle incedent in calvin and hobbes. Your just supposed to make it up.

[econdha]

Adun said:

3. Yes it just showed up. Computers can work automaticly. He was set to work there.


5. The hole ebaum not as good and homestar thing was called humanity. Real humans would say that. Not just close them all and act like an anal retensive moron talking like he was perfect.

6. The "greek incedent" was supposed to be like the noodle incedent in calvin and hobbes. Your just supposed to make it up.

Ok, I didn't mean to offend you. You said you didn't mind critiqueing. I shall pull my punches a little from here on, or stop completely if you prefer. I tend to put the rough in thorough.

3: No, I meant it doesn't say your char was hired by this company, it just says he came to NPCA. What I meant was it was as though he just snuck in and started scanning for islands.

5: Ok, but what does that have to do with what I said? We still don't know what they are, so why does that mean anything to us?

6: I got that, I was just saying I liked how it was done.

[Cheshire cat]

Oh. Thats makes much more sense. I was planning to rewrite it anyway LOL. ;D