completely random jokes.

[bloodedyautja]

Please note I wasn't the one who made these up I got them in a forwarded email from my mate.


1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several
times, does he become disoriented?


2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from
Holland called Holes?

3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person
who
drives a racing car not called a racist?

9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English
language.
Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it
follow
that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys
deranged,
models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?


14. What hair colour do they put on the driver's licences of bald
men?

15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little
spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use?
Toothpicks?


16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What
are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their
pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them
while
they deliver the mail?

17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

18. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

19. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those
little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

20. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a
peeing
section in a swimming pool?

22. OK ... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags"
and
the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that
make
the Tennessee Titans?

23. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea, does that mean that
one
enjoys it?

[Still Churchill]

5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person
who
drives a racing car not called a racist?
12. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English
language.
Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it
follow
that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys
deranged,
models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
14. What hair colour do they put on the driver's licences of bald
men?
17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
18. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
20. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a
peeing
section in a swimming pool?
22. OK ... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags"
and
the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that
make
the Tennessee Titans?
23. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea, does that mean that
one
enjoys it?

LOL those were my favorites

[Shadowkid]

I was laughing so hard. This is great.

[bloodedyautja]

glad you findd them funny. pass on the laughter. email your mates with it.

[cetanuhunter]

definatly some of the funniest jokes i've heard in a long time, even my m8s laughed ;D

[Steg'-in Paya]

numba 16 is funny.
could you imagine your postal worker looking at the stamp then looking at you
you would be like wtf??? LOL

[bloodedyautja]

ok was told this joke by a mate and its been bugging me as a corny joke and it keeps coming back into my head so here it goes.

3 tomatoes are walking down a road. mum, dad and kid. the kid is lagging behind so dad tomatoe walks back and treds on him and says "catchup".

this has got to be one of the worst jokes to make me laugh. it is now haunting me. lol.

[the lonely soldier 714]

they got the tomato joke off a movie with john travolta and samule L jackson.

ok here is my random joke....

you mom goes to collage!

yeah...funny...

[bloodedyautja]

*crickets chirping*

I think you killed the laughter soldier.

[the lonely soldier 714]

...*chirps again*...

yeah i kinda figure it out. that's all i got though, i'm sorry.

[Tony Ruddell]

Oh, this calls for a Marine Joke. All off you USMC people, look away, lest you be offended.

A SAS trooper serving out in Borneo wanted to buy some alligator shoes really badly. He'd spent his entire 2 day leave going from markete to market trying to buy some, but the insanely high prices and sheer rudeness of the locals had stopped him from getting any.

Finally, having been fed up with this shit, he goes "Well fine then, I'll just go into the swamp and kill an Alligator myself!" He said, and as he stormed off to the nearby swamp, one of the locals said "Yeah? You might meet the two Amerikan marines who said the same thing."

So, he heads off into the swamp, and he spots two people standing in the muck. One of them has the USMC tattoo on his shoulder. An alligator sneaks up behind this marine, but the marine snaps it's neck and kills it easily.

He checks it's feet, and swears. "Dangit Jimmy, this one don't have any shoes either!" As he chucks the dead alligator on a large pile of alligator corpses.

[dahnknadek]

ruddell said:

Oh, this calls for a Marine Joke. All off you USMC people, look away, lest you be offended.

A SAS trooper serving out in Borneo wanted to buy some alligator shoes really badly. He'd spent his entire 2 day leave going from markete to market trying to buy some, but the insanely high prices and sheer rudeness of the locals had stopped him from getting any.

Finally, having been fed up with this *c'jit*, he goes "Well fine then, I'll just go into the swamp and kill an Alligator myself!" He said, and as he stormed off to the nearby swamp, one of the locals said "Yeah? You might meet the two Amerikan marines who said the same thing."

So, he heads off into the swamp, and he spots two people standing in the muck. One of them has the USMC tattoo on his shoulder. An alligator sneaks up behind this marine, but the marine snaps it's neck and kills it easily.

He checks it's feet, and swears. "Dangit Jimmy, this one don't have any shoes either!" As he chucks the dead alligator on a large pile of alligator corpses.

Oh my stars and garters, the term Uncle Daddy comes to mind! ;D

[silvermoon30]

ok guys...i have two jokes.

why did the one handed man cross the road?

to get to the second hand store. (bad i know... but it was a test joke)

ok, now lets get serious.

So theres three guys at the gates of heaven. an angel walks out and says, "ok guys, heavens getting kinda full, so whoever died the worst can come in with me."

so the first guy says, "Well, i walked into my apartment after being gone all day, to find my tanning salon surrounded by a whole bunch of clothes. so i walk out onto the balcony to see some fingertips on the banister. So i jump on them and then the guy falls. Then i was so mad at him that i threw my refrigerator after him, but the cord caught on my foot and i fell off."

so the second guy says, "i was washing windows when my cable snapped, and i started falling, but luckily i grabbed onto a banister. Then some maniac started jumping on my fingers and then i fell, but it wasnt that far. so i saw a cop, but then a refridgerator came down and crushed me"

the angel turns to the thrid guy and says, "you must have a pretty interesting story to beat these guys."

So the third guys sighs and says "So there i was...naked in the refridgerator..."

not the greatest, but alright

[Dário]

This is a bit dirty, but who here knows what's the lightest thing in existence?










The Penis, it takes one thought to lift it...